WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
