she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
