4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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