I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
