It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
