I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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