That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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