I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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