just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sarcasm needs its own font
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
