i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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