I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
