FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
