I accidentally had phone sex last night
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
