i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
