I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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