I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
