I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
