i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
