worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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