I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
