I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
