Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
