The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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