I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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