I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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