I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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