My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
