I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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