Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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