Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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