whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
