The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize