It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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