My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
