Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
