i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
