i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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