i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
