I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
