I wish my penis had an off switch
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
