I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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