how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize