i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
