dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
