I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
