fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
