things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
