the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
