You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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