this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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