I think im going to throw up on grandma
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
