I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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