Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
