My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
