If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
