Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
pray to the hookup gods
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
