I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
