I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We have so much sex to catch up on
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
