I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
