Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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